So naturally, being a long time horror lover, I just assume that I would ass-kick my way through any bad guy or evil doer without even breaking a sweat.
This however, would probably never happen.
Reason 1: I am the shower scene girl from any horror film ever.
I may have seen any horror film I could get my hands on and read every single Point Horror book as a child but I also forget this stuff at crucial times.
Let's take a more or less recent example. Before I moved to my current house, I lived in a tiny cottage with my better half in the countryside. He was at work, it was nighttime and I decided to take a shower. So there I am, in our tiny shower minding my own business. Mid shower I hear a few noises but as a fearless woman I obviously brush them off... I wish. What actually happened was that I promptly turned off the shower, wrapped myself in a towel and crept down the staircase to see what the noise was.
Oh hi there Mister Evil Killer Guy, it's me, half naked shower lady presenting myself for slaughter.
My entire knowledge-base of DOs and DON'Ts of the horror genre literally evaded me that night. What if there actually was a machete wielding hockey player in my living room? Right there I just became the most pathetic death in a Scream sequel.
|Typical Shower Scene. GIF source http://scream.tumblr.com/|
Reason 2: I am the worst person ever in "crisis" situations.
A lot of horror films tend to feature some typical character roles: the leader, the loner, the beauty, the smart one. Some real worldly situations have taught me that unless I have someone to tell me what to do in a crisis, I probably won't do very well.
Take two weeks ago for example. I'd put the washing machine on and just finished washing the dishes, noticing that the water was draining pretty darn slowly in the sink. I finish up in the kitchen and come back into the living room to watch my boyfriend playing Xbox, casually mentioning that the kitchen sink wasn't draining properly. A few minutes later I go back into the kitchen to check on the water only to find that the sink was overflowing with water all over the floor. What do I do? I shout for my boyfriend. Multiple times. He immediately rushes in to see me, staring at the sink, water flowing everywhere and promptly grabs a few pans and empties the water out of the sink.
My reaction, freeze and call for help. His reaction, actually do stuff to you know, help the situation.
This wasn't the first instance of this happening. We've had a small fire that I discovered in the kitchen and upon my discovery, I shouted for my boyfriend. Our dog ran out of our garden into the street, I shouted for my boyfriend. In horror films, the damsel in distress is mostly always killed pretty quickly, sometimes in a towel because she just climbed out of the shower to investigate a strange noise.
So there you have it, I am one big disaster in crisis situations. I can picture it now. An evil toy clown comes at me with a comically large knife. Instead of dealing with that myself, I call for my boyfrie- Oh wait he killed me already.
|Yeah, he's tiny. And what? Image from: El Grimlock, Deviant Art|
There are probably a lot more reasons I'd be a good target for most film bad guys but the good thing about this is, now I know my weaknesses. I can work on them and then promptly begin the ass-kicking if I ever need to. Unless my boyfriend is nearby, then he can do it.
Are there any reasons you wouldn't survive the first act of a horror flick?